Lillian had her 18-month check-up today (about two weeks after the actual date), and everything looks great. Her doctor is very happy with her progress. She is in between the 75th and 90th percentile for everything across the board: head circumference (19"), length (33") and weight (27 lb). Her fine motor and gross motor skills are right on track, as is her cognitive development and even social development (some aggressiveness is to be expected at this age). On the biting issue, Lily went through a little biting spell about a week ago. We (and her teachers) have noticed that the biting definitely coincides with her teething. Not to excuse the behavior, she just tends to get agitated more easily and be more aggressive during these periods. Her teachers continue to remove her from the situation, say "no" and then ignore any subsequent falling out that happens, which is about all you can do at this age.
Sleeping has remained as close to perfection as anyone could possibly hope. She now goes to sleep on her mattress located on the floor in our bedroom. This has worked out quite well. She always ends up in our bed by the morning which is fine. I am sooo past the days of worrying about what is "right" or expected by others in regard to sleeping. I used to have feelings of guilt about her sleeping in our bed/room/whatever. When I look back on her sleep history, I'm so glad that we chose to go with what we felt was right. The notion that we could have had a negative impact on her sleeping habits by choosing sleeping arrangements that made us all sleep peacefully seems so ridiculous to me now. Clarity in hindsight, I suppose. I've come to realize that having her sleep with us was more of a choice on my part than I was willing to admit. She has always had a wonderful relationship with sleep, and I sleep well knowing that she is okay. In the end, it works for us which is all that really matters. We have also maintained a consistent sleep routine in which we head up to the bedroom around 8:00, she's asleep by 8:30 pm and she wakes up right about 7:00 am. She also takes about an hour and a half nap every afternoon. Thankfully, she seems to be more like me with sleeping - no problems at all.
Carl, on the other hand, has almost a nightly struggle with sleep, despite being dog-tired. I thought this would change once we had a baby in addition to his very rigorous schedule, but unfortunately, that has not been the case. I have to say, he handles it so well. I am cranky when I don't get my sleep, but he seems to handle it in stride. Carl has also run into an unlucky streak with body ailments. Like his father, Carl is highly allergic to poison ivy. About 2 weeks ago, Carl noticed a small red, itchy rash suspiciously in the shape of a paw print. This would not be the first time that Terra has passed on this lovely toxin to Carl. With so much experience with poison ivy, Carl is very clear on what will work and what will not work when it comes to getting rid of the rash. So this time when he went to the doctor, he pretty much rejected their weak treatment plans and demanded the only thing that helps him with the rash, steroids. Unfortunately, Carl underwent minor surgery last week to remove a cyst on the right side of his neck. Steroids apparently interfere with the healing process, so he was reluctant to take them at first. However, after waiting about 5 days after the surgery, Carl had no choice but to start the steroid treatment or risk insanity from itchiness. I truly have never seen anyone have such a nasty reaction to the oils in this horrible little plant. We recently learned that a Duke study has revealed that global warming will make poison ivy grow larger and more toxic than ever. Sweet.
In other news, Carl is beginning the last month of his third year of medical school. July marks the beginning of the fourth and final year of med school, and we could not be happier. I'm not going to lie or sugar-coat the truth, third year SUCKS. The schedule is awful, and it is a bit like having to take required courses in college that you are not at all interested in. You are really just looking forward to being able to study the fields that excite you. Fourth year is a bit more promising with more time off and more electives in his schedule. I think that the other half of this story is that Carl does not feel like a student any more and is annoyed with having to play that role every day. He generally knows more than the M.D.s about the actual mechanics of what is going on at a cellular level due to his studies resulting in his Ph.D. And, I'm sorry if this sounds brash, and I apologize to Carl in advance for this statement, but he is just an unusually intelligent person. (He truly is very humble, but I'm just not when it comes to him.) Carl can typically complete tasks in about half the time that it takes other people, and I think that he gets frustrated when he has to spend more time than necessary at the hospital because others are just slow. Furthermore, Carl worked before he started med school/grad school which means two things. 1) He knows what it feels like to make real money. 2) He's not a kid any more and does not stand in awe of the mentor/student relationship or teaching process. All of these factors combined has contributed to a difficult year. I was talking to Ang tonight, and I said, which I truly believe, "not all difficult things make you stronger". I have witnessed people going through too many hardships to cling to a naive notion that somehow obstacles in the road make the journey more worthwhile. I know that some people come out on the other end of experiences worse for the wear, and I think that it's silly to pretend to be grateful for having experienced unnecessary damage to the psyche. Does that make me jaded? Probably.
All is well with me currently. After two years, I am still very much enjoying my job. I love what I do, even though I sometimes wish that I could work a little less than full-time. I know that this is not financially possible right now and that Lily has a fun, stimulating time at school, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish that I could spend a little more time with her when I don't have other distractions taking up my time. A very surprising thing that I have learned about myself over the course of the past 18 months is that I could not be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I was truly surprised to discover this about myself. I have long since considered myself a fairly domestic-type person. I obviously enjoy children and feel very confident working with them, but after prolonged periods of being with Lily by myself, I felt desperate at the end of the day. I then felt guilty for feeling desperate. Granted, the only truly extended periods of time that I have spent with her alone were during the difficult (but wonderful at the same time) first few months of her life and then recently when she was sick and naturally not herself. Still, I know the truth of the matter and know that the same feelings would arise under normal circumstances as well. Eventually my goal is to work part-time, but that will be some time in the coming. Until then, I am really happy being able to go to a job that I enjoy and have my daughter down the hall anytime I feel the need for a quick Lily fix. She has recently realized that mom stays in the office during the day and will make a getaway for a quick Mom fix as well while they are on their way to the gym or the playground. Can't say that I mind.
I hope that my ranting in this post did not leave the impression that either Carl or I are unhappy which would be totally false. We discuss our mental gratitude list on a daily basis. At the top of this list is, of course, our happy and healthy baby girl. Wonderful friends and family, meaningful work and satisfying career all included. However, I think that it is okay to acknowledge that there are some things that I not grateful for, like too much time spent apart from my husband due to a sucky schedule. I don't mean to sound like a whiner, and I fully acknowledge that things could be infinitely worse. I suppose that my frustration is for Carl, and I think that I feel it even more than he does. If I could have a wish granted just for him, it would be for him to be restored to good health and not have to deal with continual physical problems on top of an already stressful year. Is that too much to ask?
May 2023
3 months ago