Looking back and moving on

Life tends to have an ebb and flow.  Looking back on my adult life, it has very naturally moved through different and distinct periods.  Carl and I crossed paths in college and since then it has been a shared journey.  After college, Phase 1 involved us living in Illinois, me going to graduate school and Carl working at Abbott.  Our wedding in Australia marked the beginning of Phase 2 in Baltimore.  This was an amazing time.  A time in which I had my first (and second) "real" jobs, Carl started - and finished - his MD and PhD, we bought - and sold - our first home, welcomed Terra and our sweet baby girl, Lily, into our family.  This period transitioned into Phase 3 as we made our way back to St. Louis.

I'm not sure that I could adequately express my appreciation and gratitude for this, our current phase.  During this time, we have completed our family with our beautiful baby boy, William, and our happy, feisty girl, Emilia.  We have lived in a house that I truly love.  I have been able to work at a job that allows me to feel fulfilled in my career while remaining a full-time mom.  I received the most amazing letter from a student about my class this semester, and I can't explain how much it meant to me, especially after this very busy, very hectic fall.  My mom has allowed me the opportunity not only to work part-time but also to be involved in Lily's school, attending lots of events sans the little ones.  The kids have developed a very close relationship with their extended family and in particular my mom and their Aunt Ingrid through many outings which will remain part of the fabric of their childhood.  I have had the opportunity to strengthen long-standing friendships and develop new ones which I will carry with me throughout life.  As Carl (my atheist husband) said, we are truly blessed.

So now we stand on the verge of the unknown, entering into the next phase.  We do not know what lies ahead of us in 2013.  We know that there will be change.  Our little family will pack up, and together we will explore an area completely new to us.  This has sparked a sense of adventure in me that has been dormant for some time.  In the past few days, I've had the recurrent feeling that I'm staring out into the ocean, at endless possibilities.  What at first seemed unwanted and frightening now feels like an opportunity for growth.

Tonight, to commemorate the past year and look ahead to the upcoming one, we placed wishes on our wishing tree.  Now that the momentum of the birthday/holiday season has slowed, I've had the chance to reflect a bit, and I know exactly what I want in the new year.  What I will be seeking from this time forward is simplicity.  I want to take away all the extraneous things that detract from what is real and pure.  I want authentic experiences with my family and friends and to enjoy the moment, the here and now.  Tonight we were putting the kids to bed which, I admit, is sometimes viewed as a chore to get to the "me time" part of the day.  But tonight it struck me how precious these moments are.  As I carried William up the stairs, and he whispered to me, "You are my heart".  As Emmy played peek-a-boo with me from her crib and then smiled and waved as I said "good night" and left her room.  As Lily clung to the words of the story we were reading, as she felt the emotions of the book, and as we laughed together when I sang to her.  Lily's endless questions and hilarious commentary, these are all gifts.  And although I may not shower every day or forget whether or not I brushed my teeth that morning, I am so incredibly lucky for my lack of personal time.  Who would not want to have their hands full when the alternative is for them to be empty?

In keeping with the idea of simplicity and authentic experiences, I plan to make 2013 a year in which greater time will be spent outdoors.  The time indoors will be spent more on projects and following the kids' interests, engaging in play that sparks their imagination.  I truly want meals to nourish both body and soul.  I live in the real world, and I know that with three young children, our days are not going to be fairy tales, sunshine and roses.  These are simply goals.  I feel a strong drive toward these things right now, and I want to honor that by making them a priority.  I will also be following some personal interests for self-fulfillment. 

So tonight I stand on the verge, on the verge of what was and what will be.  I stand with confidence, with wonder, and with hope.  I stand here because I know that I am not alone.  Our family will move forward together and draw strength from each other and from all those close to us that have supported us through the many of phases of our lives.  We love and appreciate you all and wish you nothing but the best on your own journey of discovery in the new year.